一小聚

• 也太久没用中文书写部落格。这一次就特别想记录一下当下的心情。
•  上一次见面就大约是一年前，再往上推就是2013年一月在槟城。
• 在我部落格里就记录了2012年的古来游记。2012 Johor Trip ， 记录里说到上回与她到古来可要追叙到三年前。可没想到三年后又再次的专程到新山与她叙旧。无意间让我想起梁朝伟在无间道的台词：“三年之后又三年！”
• 去年见面时就已知道大家出乎意料的好谈，本想在这里也记录一番，但是我并不想刻意的去记录，因为我深信那记忆会在我的脑海萦绕好长的一段时间。这支当时喝的韩国酒的相片就一直储存在我的desktop留念。

• 这一年的光阴，人与事都改变了不少。非常珍惜当下，彼此还是那么的熟悉，可能还胜过当时还年轻的我们。真的是用心还是超强的记忆，当时的点点滴滴我们还是记忆犹新；我选择相信了前者。彼此的默契好像没有因为聚少离多而削薄，想法，观点甚至隐忧都相近。可能这太戏剧性了，但事实如此，上天可能是想找人开玩笑。
• 上次说我非常了解她，可这一次我倒觉得是对调了。这个年头能够真正了解并谅解自己的真的没有几/一个。太多人有太多的事，太多的客观与主观元素，要遇到这样的一个人，那是一种奢侈，是一种强求。我这条怪路总算遇到了她，希望再也不会那么的寥寂。但这话说了出来深怕哪天上天知晓了，可要剥夺掉所有的一切。
• 从来都不懂她会在乎么记得么觉得重要么，不懂到底是否自己太过蛋白愚昧。可能就只是一线之差，这边是笨蛋傻瓜，那边是真心真意。随着年纪的增长与未老先衰的脑袋，我了解到人生的短暂与无常。好多事好像是不能去苛求的，应该要尽力但求无愧。可能难度高了些，但唯有这样才不枉此生。
• 过去的一切，现在的所有，与将来的期望也就只有把握当下。看不开的过去，忧心着未知的未来，何不感激感恩当下。这是当天从飞机拍下的晨阳与云海，没有比现在更美的时候了，因为现在就是这个时候。与大家共勉之。
• 想起了一首歌-五月天 = OAOA现在就是永远。
• "OAOA是嬰兒的啼哭，是摩天輪的樣子，是太陽與山脈的形狀，是對著空谷的吶喊，是沒有語言的希望，是在風裡面寫下此刻自己的呼喊"~ 阿信
  

Christmas Carol

1. When i am much younger, i always thought that Christmas somehow is the best festival for me among all others. The atmosphere is calm and lovely, as compared to the hypes and excitement of Chinese New Year.
2. Despite not been a Christian, yet i very much enjoy this festival. My definition of Christmas is Chocolate + Nice Music + Singing (Carol) + Loving Atmosphere. All my favorite ingredients constituted to the Christmas.
3. Present exchange, is something very good, to ensure that each and everyone of us will at least have a present for ourselves. Sometime, we need to reward ourselves for all the effort for been a good boy and good girl. Haha~ more excuses to spoil ourselves.
4. In this materialistic world, present is measured by the face value rather than the real intrinsic value. The usefulness to the recipients, the message of the present by the giver, the kind wishes from them is just simply priceless. After all, i opined that the real reason for "gift" is giving, but not receiving. The act of "gifting" a present, is an act of reminding ourselves to be selfless and be present. Take some time off during this festive season, be with our family and friends, celebrate it, and be present.
5. If all we ever wanted is to have a happy life with the people that we care and love; then why at times our action and reaction are against our will ? Why the suffering if we wanted happiness ? To be knowledgeable and to be wise is two different thing ? Both required efforts and maybe a little bit of luck (been at the right place, right time, right family, but this is not a prerequisite) but the latter required more reflection and an awaken minds.  
6. Often times, we will grumble, criticize, sigh or contemplate about certain misfortune; All the "i" feeling, feeling worthless, dejected, sad, regretful, furious, giving up, surrender, not letting go something either is people or incident specific; all this can be overcome if we loose the "i" from the equation.
7. If there is no "i" then all this feelings will have no place to attach to. How to loose the "i" ? We will need to understand that " i " is not "me"; "me" is much greater and higher spiritually. Thinking about it, why do we always felt better and hopeful whenever we are been helpful and useful to the people in need ? All the selfless act of aiding the needy. The feel good feelings is all arises from the position of been selfless; there is no "i". And, immediately, as soon as we made some demand or reciprocal, we will have all the "i" feeling back. Notice the "i" from the whole suffering and happiness equation ? Yes, the key is, minus "i". 

A Cross Road

1. It's been 4 months since i submitted my master degree thesis. The change that i had been talking about yet to materialize. 
2. There are quite a handful of things that i am interested in pursuing and of course there is also some challenges and obstacles that i have to overcome.
3. I am teaching myself, and convincing myself that somehow, things will fall into place. My experience taught me that, too many things that already happened is not planned and cannot be planned. I can only be ready and open to opportunity as much as possible and strike when the door is open.
4. It will be interesting for me to note down what is in my mind now and then compares it 4-5 months later down the road.
5. The first option is working in the Biz Dev / Strategy / Marketing of a Large MNC preferably in Green Tech Industry. I will get to learn more and expand my horizon, experiencing another level of growth and witnessing good system at work. The main consideration is whether i can speak the MNC lingual, do i made the cut, and what will be the career progression from then onwards?
6. The second option is exploring career opportunity in Financial Analyst sector. I have quite a few interest and finance is one part of it. I guess as finance is largely link with economy and thus driving my strong interest and desire to learn. The main consideration is again on qualification and opportunity available. The market is bad, and among all industries, finance industries are the most "realistic", "number oriented" industry where everything is tune to the ROI, Breakeven analysis, Opportunity Cost whenever it comes to deciding on project or hiring.
7. The third option is to further my doctorate degree. The main question that bothers me now is, why doing it ? I like the intellectual exchange, the academic rigor as well as the enlightening moment. I enjoy the process of creating knowledge as well as the art of teaching and sharing, helping others to achieve certain level of intellectual awareness and critical thinking. Are these reasons enough to sustain my decision? Again, am i good enough to be given the opportunity to do it abroad? 
8. I can only pray for the best. I just kept telling myself that, here i have three options; perhaps it is not really something that i can demand for, or ask for. I can only anticipate, waiting for the opening of the door of opportunity. Haha, sometime circumstances shape our choices and our path. I am not denying the fact that we can work hard and get what we really wanted in life. It is just that; at times, we cannot amend or change the event of life that bound to happen, but rather such events that happened changes who we are.

The busy November

1) It was a busy month. Although there are no more weekends classes, weekends still seem as busy as ever. Working on Saturday had been one of the routine now, and I will take another day mainly as a reading day or accessing to some online classes.

2) First there was this small retreats with my Uni friends at Cameron Highlands, and this especially busy weekends where I had my convocation on Friday morning, and then drove to Johor the same day so that I can be the "brothers" for my beloved friends, Wei Zhern and Soke Chee's wedding. After the wedding luncheon on Saturday, I then drove back to Subang as our family is celebrating my grandma's birthday. Relatives from a far came and had a small gathering together.

3) Time waits for no man. Few days to go before we reach the final and concluding month of year 2015. It came to my realization that, it is not frequent that we are given a chance or an opportunity to do something be it meeting someone, experiencing something new or perhaps I can term it at every moment of NOW. We might have only this chance now to enjoy it, and therefore we should not take it for granted.

4) Now or never is one such phrase that reminds us to steadfast and hold firmly when the opportunity or chances occured. What if the chances or opportunity waited never came, and again stop worrying but instead pay attention to what was already given and maximize every chance or opportunity given. 

5) I had a plan to write something, some reflection on the learning process I embarked on two years ago. I am glad I made that move back then and I got what I wish for and wanted. I cannot ask for more, choosing the right school at the right time, to be at the class with my helpful classmates and experienced lecturers for the right subjects just at the right time, the topics covered that also happened in real time, my working experience that enhances my learning experience, my ability and environment that allows me to concentrate on studies after working hours and weekends, support from my beloved family and friends. It seems everything was tune just right for it.

6) It might seems dramatic, but looking backward, everything seems to be in a coordinated and pre-planned manner. I will be a total ignorance if I claimed it is all smooth sail during the whole process. My memoirs are full of joy and of course the sweats, tears and blood. There is no learning without failing, there is no gain without loosing, there is no outcome with working. 

7) There is so much of anticipation and hypes on the future, " ok, what's next?", "then what". All the euphoria, and worries will not help. Just like before, one step at a time. The right mind, the right thinking and the right attitude will somehow attract the right things. It is therefore, and largely a game of mind conditioning.

Reading, Writing, Communicating

1. There are many ways of communicating such as verbal communication either face to face, over the net or pay phone, texting or chatting, writing via email or letter; for the less fortunate one we have sign language and braille. 
2. As for the means of passing down knowledge, other than traditional classroom lesson, now we have more alternatives such as pre-recorded video, online classes that can be accessed from anywhere in the world of course the prerequisite is internet; e-books, short video and some other interactive class activities that can be carried out over the digital world.
3. And, of course, blogging is one of an effective way to put up ideas and thoughts, used to be a trend but yet to manifest into a norm, instead replace by simpler and faster platform like facebook, twitter and more recently like the moment in WeChat or Google +. 
4. Perhaps i am really old school, i still prefer reading the hardcopies and writing whenever possible. My writing had gradually replaced into typing which i felt it was much faster and can be conducted effortlessly.
5. I believe with the help of the technology, data can be readily processed into information and from then we build our knowledge. Knowledge management is a critical aspects for every organizations which aspire to achieve efficiency thus ensuring its sustainability. In general context, most of the firms in Malaysia perhaps already have reasonable data collection and filing system, but the weak link is on data extraction for meaningful information gathering and knowledge creation.
6. The core of knowledge creation very much depended on the user itself rather than weighing it all on the system. System is a tool to help us if only we have the necessary awareness and skill to use the tool. Corporate training first focuses on the hard skills such as project or time management, learning some new software or new system and then subsequently which is popular now to send their key personnel to soft skills training like stress management, leadership and team building, etc. 
7. Despite that all human are made up of the 23 pairs chromosomes but we are never born alike. Our look, our background, our like and dislike, our hobby might be similar but never on our awareness or generally people using the word like awakening or enlightenment. 
8. We have Emotional Quotient, Intelligent Quotient, Adversity Quotient, Creativity Quotient, Financially Intelligent Quotient to measure our capability. Only more recently we have Will IQ, Spiritual IQ, and Mental IQ. 
9. Funny enough, human just tried their very best to measure everything, so that they can have a control and a peace of mind. The truth is, the instance we try to measure it, we will tend to compare and establish our judgement on good or bad, high or low. The effect is very much the opposite. 
10. As we identify that we are superior or inferior, excellence or mediocre we are destined to experience the roller coaster ride of life. A peace of mind is only for those we truly wants it. 
11. I like reading and i like writing, both literally takes more time that other mode of communicating or learning such as watching video, chatting, texting or voice message. No special reason, just that i thought it train my patience and give me a room to organize my thoughts and thus establishing a peace of mind.
12. Knowledge creation is more than a mind thing, so that it can be transcended and help others to be more aware, awaken and enlighten in the process. 

Getting Use To It

1. I was back in the college this weekends to collect my result slip. For me, this is an event of important significant. It resembles an end to the journey i started 2.5 years ago. I still recalled back then in my first degree days when i received my final result slip, i was sobbing quietly; recalling the good old days i spent with my fellow friends.
2. Never did i know that i will return for another round of education. I am glad and happy for my final result, manage to maintain distinction for both of my local and UK awards. I had never dream about achieving this nor i have any prior confident of such accomplishment.
3. Perhaps for many things in life, we need to build bit by bit, not to be borne down by all the heavy labeling and ridiculous expectation. We just need to be clear on our purpose and the goal we are heading; developing a modus operandi or perhaps a system which enables us to keep on moving forward.
4. I am now at my HOP's office, the smell of the office, the environment and the ambient is all too familiar. I recalled how i had work my ass off on my thesis on this reading table. I remember the lonely night i spent here, surrounded only by the sound of the ventilator and the smell of the furniture and carpet in the classroom. All the little moment of my life in this college rushes through my mind briefly. Little did i notice until this instances, it had all became part of the things that i had got used to. The feeling is always in a mixture, excitement for the classes and new discovery, grumble on the assignment requirement and dead line, the stress from both work and studies, the anxiety of not having a GOOD rest over the weekends whereas most of other people are totally enjoying their life out there. Grudges.
5. It seems that everything including the challenges, the ups and downs is no longer so significant and important. It seems to be so minute at this instant. We can really getting use to something or some people without realizing it consciously. Good or bad, easy or difficult; we can get by.
6. And Now, i am doing a lot reading, occupying myself with different genre of books. Allowing my mind to wonder and fill with a little more imagination. At the same time, i am giving myself some time to reflect and reconsider my life NOW. Patching up the old wounds, and problem that i had left idle; it seems like i am doing a house-keeping now getting ready to ride the next wave. I am wondering on the possible future that could bestowed upon me. One step at a time, stay true, stay clear, stay present.

Birthday

1) As I recalled last year, my coursemate celebrated my birthday during the stats class. If not for them, I think they will be no celebration for me at all.

2) This year, I guess it will be another lonely birthday. Nevertheless, two days before my birthday, during an appreciation dinner with my fellow pesta tanglung group members, they had precelebrated with me. Afterall, at least there are celebration and there are laughter.

3) Appreciate all my friends and family for the wishes and remembering my birthday. I guess the very significance of all this is the realization that I am loved, appreciated and cherished by my family and friends.

4) Having said that, if my birthday is not remembered or not greet by people who deem important to me, it shall not be translated into the message that I am not important or they just didn't bother at all. This is the same argument I had made in previous blog. 

5) As we are excited and glad with all the kind wishes and blessings, we might also felt devastated or sadden for the expected response from the particular others that never arrive. That is the duality of all things in life. In order to have more control in our life, we should not allow ourselves to clinge on such feelings as ithe nature of such happy or sad feeling is relative, but not absolute.

6) Life is such that, everything in life comes in dual form. As much as we enjoy the happiness and the high of our life, we need to learn how to deal with sadness and adversity as much so. 

7) Regardless of either event, we should not let ourselves got carried away. Always stay present, stay true and have faith.

8) Happy might be too lavish to wish for, I only wish and pray for been at peace. 

9) My birthday wish is for my family and friends to be healthy, the world to have more peace and harmony.

To be In Control

1. As much as i believe that i have control in my life; what do we do everyday, how we going to do it, when we want to do it, whether doing it alone or with friends or family and just why we want to do it; we are supposed to be and should be able to have control.
2. The control in the outer or more visible layer can be separated in several levels. One such example is on waking up for work. It is inevitable that we ought to put in our time and labour in exchange for money to sustain our living. At that level, there might be very little control but we still can choose to be self-employed as a consultant, direct sales or insurance agent, as an employees, owing a business and there is a vast room for selection and thus to be in controlling position. They key is to find what we like to do, something that we are passion and felt the usefulness within it. 
3. Even at lower level than choosing a job/career, we still can decide whether we want to be early or late for work, we can decide which route to take to work albeit the limited choices that we have, yet with every selection or option, there is a power to be in control.
4. The concepts explained above is very much applicable to the inner aspect of our life, our emotion, our thinking process and feelings. On feeling happy and sad; we have to believe that regardless happiness and sadness; it has to come from within but not from outer factors. If the latter is true, then we will be always at the mercy of others for feeling happy or sad.To be in control, we have to realize that whatever happiness and sadness that we felt; we have the control. We can decide our reaction to the impending issues, to appreciate the little small happiness we have and manifest it; to decide how good we want ourselves to be; no matter what, this is something that we ought to hold true for.
5. After explaining about happiness and sadness; how about the feeling of anger and discourage or lost of hope? The root of anger and discourage very much dealt with our sense of self. If we loose our perceived sense of self, then there will be nothing to be angry or discourage about. We felt angry when people treat "us" injustice, defame "us", threatening "us"; to disapprove such feeling is to separate our false sense of "self" from ourselves; we are much greater and higher than our perceived "self". The same is applicable to the feeling our discourage or lost of hope.
6. Of course the challenge here is on taking control on our own inner world. We have to have a high awareness level, enough on our both outer and inner aspect for us to take control on our life. On the other hand, in order to ensure that we will no go to the extreme of becoming over controlling and insensitive, we also depended on our awareness to balance up our need to be in control.

The Boundary Between Me and Myself

1. It was difficult, first to create and then maintain the high level of awareness. When i associate myself with my experience, crazy eye will starts to kick-in, and followed by all the beliefs and skepticism.
2. Been aware of it but not able to kill it immediately; that is true suffering.
3. By holding tight, i will stand to loose more. By letting go, only then i can have room for more.
4. The melancholy is real but temporary. It meant to be like that, it has to be like that and it will be like that. No mind of yesterday and no map for future. What we have is only for today.

The 5th Year

1. Such important date on 30th August and i didn't post a blog about it.
2. Not about Leely's Bday, not on Bersih, no on Merdeka Eve; my anniversary in Penang.
3. Many had changed and many had yet changed. There is already this layer of awareness around me on the changes and the non-changes. Awareness is the key and Action will be the on-going process.
4. When i first came at the age of 25, and now that i am already 30 years old. I am happy that i had been acting and behaving in a more mature ways, i had developed my critical thinking skill and also my knowledge. I miss my youthful-ness, the spirit of do-it think later. I miss the slimmer version of me, I miss my happy go lucky character.
5. Yet, there are still many things to be done. 
6. I realized over the years, i am still working on the part of me where i am lacking of self-confident, been paranoid easily, easily short-changed myself, the excessive controlling behaviour, and been rather emotional. It seems like i cannot eradicate such behaviour. I can only somehow control and contain it. Sometime i am resisting such negative behaviour, but sometime i had let it took control over me.
7. At times, it felt really tired and exhausted to contain the negative part of me. I had learned that by staying present and accepting who we are will help me. It deemed useful and i am practicing it as the challenges surface here and there.
8. The power of our thoughts had strike me hard and i am very impressed with it. We can decide how we want to feel and think about certain issue that strikes us. Sometimes we are stuck in the wrong side of the beautiful scene that we wish to paint in our life and at times we felt the liveliness, the rush of vitality in our life.
9. If i can be the master of my mind; If i can decide and choose the feeling and reaction of my every action; It all start from now, from daily practice; big or small.
10. This particular chapter in my life; i wish to remark it as awakening.
11. Now i understand the analogy given to me previously better; about the iceberg with 10% surface above the water and 90% submerged in the water; about loving oneself; about creating a layer of self-awareness; about thinking System 1 and 2; about been positive; about the four noble truths of Buddhism; It is all related; been mindful.
12. It was funny enough; like a circle we go.
13. Searching for our identity; Found our identity with both love and hate aspect; and learning hard to let go our identity. That is an endless circle.

Learning and Taking The Postives

1. Took me 3 days and i am still adjusting to it. I dis-test about this feeling but it is the reality.
2. Many things could be learned and reflected on from the episode of failing to win and realizing a gap in between.
3. Ego and pride will kill me one day and i knew it from Day 1. I should be appreciative of what had happened to me over the last weekends.
4. At first i felt tired and demotivated, and after some further toxic comment from my friend and myself and i come to the conclusion that i should very well learned as much as possible from this episode of my life.
5. I am easily agitated when my idea and opinion is been questioned. Subconsciously i will be in a defense mode and not receiving new input for further improvement. That is bad, as my ego took control over me.
6. Regardless in my relationship, personal matter and work, i am in fact lacking that kind of confidence. I need to tackle on that.
7. I always trying to be truthful and honest in almost all situations which might not be the best approach in some cases. That i have to reflect again.
8. I am a good talker and easily approach by others; yet i am not those active person that will walking around actively during the function to know people. Perhaps my low self-esteem is the reason behind it.
9. I learned by observing, perhaps in most cases i will not excel at the first few times, but i can learn actively to narrow the gap and understand the requirement of striking competency and towards the excellence.
10. My mind conditioning practice is still very vague and fragile; need extra work on it.

The Result

1) Heart rushing, adrenaline was pumping as the VP is announcing the group that would be the winner of thi competition. From his dialogue and drilling, we sincerely thought we will be the one. 

2) Eventually, what he had described is not our group and hence the regret and sadness start to take control for a moment. Our group had performed good but may not be as good as the winner in terms of the insight as well as the overall preparation. There is some room for improvements, at least. Period

3) It seems that the winner good had a very good leader with adequate MNC experience, supporter who are very detail oriented, as well as executer who will work according to the requirement. This perhaps are the best blend where neither one is more important that another, just everything at the correct ratio I order to maintain the dynamic and synergy.

4) This is a good lesson for me, learning about failure, learning about not been the best but only mediocrity. Learning that there is much higher and greater things and people with superior ability out there. It was only some baby steps for me thus far.

5) Suck it up and continue to improve and learn.

6) Next up for me will be to ponder on my career path.

The Case Study

1) After the introduction and explanation from the VP on the company, we had more sharing from the board in relation to the expectation and tips of the case competition.

2) The whole event is organized in a rather professional level, to my amazement is the extend and commitment made by the key management shown in this event by the degree of their involvement. They are around us, listening to us, giving us comment and suggestion and most importantly observing us.

3) I am not too sure whether it is lucky or not lucky. We are separated into 5 in a group. I was grouped with the only person who I had knew since my days in UM as he is Christopher Wong's roommate. We only met again during the IQ test. Another twist of fate is I am also group with the only new person I talked to during the first IQ test, as we went to the Gents together lol. As for The other two person, by coincidence I bump into this guy twice and I decided to introduce myself and later we ended out in the same group. Another is an Indian girl, I had never talked to her but had actually take a notice of her right before the announcement of the grouping. I am not too sure, how and what is the fate that will bestow upon us.

4) The main task of the day is to assess the case study given and provide a strategic initiative for it. This would be the on-going concern and common issue of many international MNC when set footing into China.

5) Our discussion went smooth initially as I am letting Khiam Peng to take charge as he seems more alpha than me. Soon on later, the whole scenario changes by having me taking charge of the main direction of the whole strategic plan, with both Khiam Peng and Jason providing important and critical role in enhancing the whole ideas and output for the given task.

6) It is however a slight regret that another two members couldn't contribute more as the girl is a microbiologist with zero business knowledge and another guy who is studying master full time with zero working experience. I guess it really matters as we build on our experience and in the process gaining knowledge and getting wiser along the way.

7) Nevertheless, both of them still need to be given credit for their involvement and high commitment to see the success of the project. 

8) Undeniably, I am pretty anxious about the result. Are we going to win? Jason kept asking me. Haha I am asking that to myself too. I had tried giving my best, I hope I will do both Dr.Lee and Dr.Janaka proud. I had applied the methodology and knowledge they taught me. I am glad that I had learned well. Most importantly, throughout the whole process I am been myself, a confident self with a lot of crazy ideas.

9) Will this be the turning point for me? Haha another kind of question with no answer. Stay present and focus. Just do it !

The First Real Time Competition

1) I guess I should be glad that I am chosen for this competition. It will feel better if to realize that I am picked and are among the best candidates.

2) A dinner session to mingle with the candidates and the stuff of the company. Really they are so many talented individual out there and this is in fact the big pond small fish theory in realization.

3) Again a significant wake up call and a reminder for me, not to be too arrogant and think I know it all. Been humble and down to earth. 

4) Tomorrow will be a long long day and I am interested to know what kind of case we will be presented with. Well Rohan the previous competition winner is right. Just be ourselves. Enjoy the experience.

5) The nerves and all the lack confidence is not doing me good. I knew how confident I was when I start to speak. If not the best, at least among the best.

6) it is just too much to predict the future.

Postgraduate Dissertation

1. A three good month had passed with significant events took place. From nothing it became something and it became nothing again. 
2. The hypes of conducting a basic research as a partial fulfillment of my postgraduate degree was immerse during the initial periods. With some understanding and knowledge gained from previous classes and subsequently to conduct the whole research at my final semester; it set to be a big mountain to climb.
3. We need to and required to hold our dissertation like our second life line; and moreover, in order to write and conduct a good piece of research, we have to go gung ho on our research; if it comes naturally then it is all the better, or else, we have to condition our mind for this three months period to influence our interest channeling towards our research.
4. After some struggling here and there, with continuous effort and finally the destination has arrived. I had just handed up the dissertation yesterday. I am so glad that my research was praised by the sitting board, specifically from Prof. Dr Lee; my dad was around to witness the whole process and hence i thought it was all worthwhile.
5. There is one thinking came into my mind as i was finishing my chapter 4 on research findings. A chinese proverb very much sums up my thought. "孔子登东山而小鲁,登泰山而小天下" literally words for words it meant that; Confucius went up the East Hill and realized that the country relatively look smaller, and as he went up the Mount Tai and realized that the world is also relatively smaller as we perceived. The essence of this sentence is that, as we knew and learned more, we understand that there is still a lot more to be learned and understand and whatever that we have acquired now is so minute and insignificant. It was an analogy on the vast and dept of the knowledge that one could perceive with relative to how much they already knew. As we learned more, we knew less.
6. This encourage me to continue my learning process, it will be a lifelong learning, it will be a continuous process. As i mentioned, it is an end and also a beginning. Life is always like that, both side of a coin, depending how we look at it, it is still a coin no matter where we look at it; it is either a head or a tail. We should focus the goodness rather than the negativism; life's like that and this is the art of it. 

The End or The Beginning ?

1.   Coming Saturday will be my MBA Symposium for my dissertation, the end is around the corner. On the course of 2 years 4 months, i had gained a lot of knowledge and getting wiser along the process. I learned about new things, about myself, meeting with interesting people and learned a great deal from them directly and indirectly.

2.     When i first decided to pursue this path, little that i know about the transformation that is coming along the way. Maybe it is more about getting a higher qualification, better job, higher pay as these are the most common reasons for taking post graduate studies. In fact, the conclusion that i can draw from over the course of this journey, it is more about gaining knowledge and insight on different issues, about critical thinking from multiple aspects and another most pertinent part is on agreeing to disagree. The latter actually is the highest form of learning stage that we can go to.

3.  In my dissertation, i had purposely noted down a long acknowledgement, and personal reflection. This is aimed to give credit to the people that helped and encouraged me along the way, and also reminding me about what i truly believed and hold on to, at this particular stage of my life.

4.     I do believe in continuous effort and commitment for a good and sustainable result.

5.     I do believe that everything is created twice, first in our mind, second on the physical or emotional level. Whether a particular thoughts or action is feasible or applicable or not; our mind always has the first say either approve or reject it. Too many already dead in our mind before seeing the light.

6.     I do believe that by having more control on ourselves, our emotion, our reaction towards challenges and problems, our expectation, our requirements, our needs and wants; we will have a firmer grip on our life, deciding the good and bad things, focusing on the things that we perceived as good to us.

7.     I do believe on the word " Too many people, Too little brain". By mentioning this, i am not saying people are generally stupid, i am not referring that people are generally brainless. We just simply allow our brain or our mind to take control on ourselves. We tends to over complicate things in life, thinking on the problem more than solving the problem, thinking on the impact more than the mitigation, thinking on the future or past more than the present, thinking on the negative over the positive, thinking about anything as long as it is not constructive. The self-defeating thinking will make us live into it, and yes, we will lead a self-defeating life. Congratulation to you and to me~

8.     The end of this journey is a beginning of another one. I am considering now whether i should explore further and deeper. 

9.     Quoting Joey Yap, with more knowledge; we will be aware of better options around us; with better options around us, we then can make better decision; with better decision, we can afford a better result for ourselves.

JULY ~ ARHH

1. Again and again i kept reminding myself, time flies and cherish the present.
2. Indeed, when life is fully occupied with many errands and responsibilities, we can hardly notice time just slip past us like water flowing down the stream.
3. In times like this, essentially it is very important for us to make sure that whatever we did is meaningful and fruitful, something that is constructive or at least the very minimum is something that we will not feel regret for later. What is worse ? Wanting to do or achieve something which we can never allocate time or space in our life to accommodate for ? I think that is the most regretful things to recall for.
4. The call for greater awareness and deeper self-reflection is necessary, to ensure that we live presently, live no rooms for regrets and have no anxiety on the future events. The stage of calm and inner peace comes with practice and practice is not when we set a time and place and start practicing it. Practice is every now and then, every moment start from now. We have to live into it.
5. I am working hard to get unstuck with the past and future. I will not allow my past to haunt me and the futures to worry me. I will be doing what is best for now and then. What should i do now ? What am i feeling now ? Is there any problem now ? I am now.

Proposal Defence and Father's Day

1. My previous usual routine on Sunday is to have a cup of cafe latte in Starbucks while doing some reading, blogging or assignment. It's been a while, since i last did that.
2. Bought a new tumbler, thermos-flask kind where can kept the drink warm for some time.
3. I would like to make a short account on my 1st Proposal Defence yesterday. I was so nervous the night before where i couldn't really sleep well. Iron my pants and shirt the next morning AGAIN, after i did it the night before just to ensure everything looks good.
4. I think that i am not nervous at all as i had done many different presentations before. Yet, subconsciously i am indeed quite nervy. Evidence us from the inability to sleep well the night before; okay perhaps i can blame that on the Coke Light i took during dinner time. Yet another undeniable evidence is on the shaking hand syndrome; haha.. my hand is shaking as i am using the laser pointer; can i blame this on the coffee .. or maybe ya.. the coke make me loose my sleep and by loosing my sleep, my hand is shaking the next morning; cascade effect. Haha alright, i am indeed very nervous.
5. Anyhow, i am so glad that everything went on smoothly with some minor questions to be answered. Next will be on my data analysis and interpretation part. Moving on~
6. My dad is here in Penang, accompanying my grandma as my uncle and aunt went to India to visit my cousin. Brought my dad to Stone Age to have Western Food and as the portion is small; after visiting AutoCity, we have to have another round of supper at Chai Leng Park.
7. The plan for today is to bring him for dino movie tonight. The last time i had movie with my dad will be around 2-3 years ago during CNY watching Jackie Chan and LeeHom movie.
8. Will be a busy week ahead; workload, thesis, cleaning my house (getting ready for friend's visit), Pesta Tanglung in SP and etc.
9. Moving on~

The INSATIABLE

1. This had always be my problem. I hated it when i feel it this way. It took over the control of my life before and i will not allow it to happen again.
2. Yet, what is most detrimental about having this feeling is having to aware of it and yet cannot contain it.
3. The insatiable need for attention and pledge of care and love from someone directly and indirectly; the thirst that can never be satisfied is a dead end which only leads to more suffering, destruction and devastation.
4. How can i knew it but yet still jumping into this deadly trap? How can i realized all the potential hazard and yet i indulge myself and allow it to control my life? How can such a logical things to do seems so uncontrollable which is so illogical as we are speaking of it ?
5. With more wants create more sufferings, by satisfying the unlimited wants will not feed satisfaction but instead further fuel up the insatiable needs. 
6. Ironically, it is so easy to stop this wishful thinking but simply stop thinking. If only there is this 'On' and 'Off' button in my mind. It means that i need to control my mind rather than the other way round. I and myself is not equals to me. I is not me. Dis-identifying from oneself is to liberate myself for the Ego version of I.
7. Inspired by The Power Of Now by Eckart Tolle.
8. Perhaps i need some real meditation camp to exercise more control on my mind.

Having Hope; Having Expectation

1) Been hopeful on something, having some expectation on good things definitely feels good. There so much of positive enery revovlving around, like a giant force field where anything that comes near will turn out to be radiated with positive energy.

2) My pessimistic nature reminded me that one will fall as high as his hope. Sound very demoralizing right? Ya, I hate it too. Can't help with it, I can only choose to ignore most part of it and take it as a reminder.

3) Owing to peer pressure, I had bought the tickets to Phuket at the end of August. My consideration is on the expenses and my annual leave. Anyhow, since the time is just nice as I will be done with my thesis by then, so I thought this will be some kind of small reward for myself. 

4) To be honest, it feels really good to have a holiday to look forward to. It's been such a long time since my last trip ..hmmm Chiang Mai in December was company trip..I will not include that....hmm should be Sabah last May ... No it is Langkawi in August.

5) Working hard on my thesis, well not as hard as I wish to, but still, I am working on it. Hopefully I will be awarded with good grade then. It was today that I received an email notification from FB, it was from Dr.J informing us on a Competition for MBA graduates by a well known Biotech company. We need to submit our resume, academic transcript as well as character referee. Shortlisted candidates need to do some assessment test and the final 30 students will be invited to KL to attend the competioj ion over the three days  on weekend.

6) sound like a real deal, a big deal right. Successful team will hav a MacBook and potential job opportunity with the esteemed company. I thought why not give it a shot, to see where I stand among those so called elite. 

7) There is some hope here, something to look forward to.

Wild Thoughts

1. There is this wild thoughts embedded in my mind, i am not too sure by who; is it me ? is it my lecturers or is it Tim ? Perhaps multiple parties involved in this case.
2. My wild thoughts is on doing a Post Doctorate Degree at this junction of life.
3. I embrace the intellectual exchange and the development of critical thinking skills and knowledge generating process. I enjoy learning which satisfies my urge to understand things revolving around me. I enjoy sharing what i understand with others, hopefully in the process they will have the same enjoyment i had.
4. This is the wild thoughts, taking another huge huge challenges; am i up to it? God forbid that i will take this, this is a crazy ideas but i still hope to do it.

Improvement ? Moving Forward ?

1. Why do we think that moving forward, ahead which we perceive as something good, positive? Why moving backward gave us all the negative feelings? How about staying put maintaining status quo? Should it be superior to the former?
2. Another brain teaser here. Of course, from my opinion, moving forward, looking ahead is not something we made or decide on voluntary basic. It is our nature, our culture or perhaps it is due to something much larger that we could imagine, like human history and civilization. Of course there's huge resistance to change from the common folks, as it takes quite an amount of effort both from decision of conscious mind and unconsciously for us to embrace the need to change and adapt, the need to learn and practice new things.
3. We always strive to improve ourselves but if we are not aware of our problem, how can we make effort to change it? We need to increase our level of awareness, increasing the percentage of our conscious mind versus our subconscious mind. What do i mean about subconscious mind, it is a state where many things go Auto-Pilot. Things like breathing, instant thoughts, our action and reaction when we are happy, angry, sad; many things we just did it because we just did it, without the careful thinking, analyzing, and free will of our own.
4. Hence, many people did something that they regret after the event of intense anger, frustration or a tragedy without realizing or having any control, or at least they believed so. Perhaps all the self-help book mostly touching on how to be happy, how to be better, or effective, how to be what or who in how many days might not be helpful if that particular individual failed to aware on their own problem. Awareness is the Key No.1 here.
5. Having strong awareness will bring a great deal of problem to oneself. We might hate ourselves for who we are, and how failure we perceived ourselves in our life to make ourselves a justice, to live a better life. We might be too obsessed and drag into the wormhole of endless suffering if we choose to ignore what we have come to aware.
6. And now, these books will be useful when we started to be more aware of ourselves, our inner self, our another self. We challenge ourselves in real life, take the appropriate steps to overcome the challenges we have identified earlier. The goal here is not total eradication of the unwanted behavior or thinking pattern, but in fact, the goal is to shorten the time frame or the intensity of the pain or suffering between the onset and offset of the particular behavior or feeling. That requires high level of alertness and awareness. Perhaps it is impossible to loose the negative feelings, but we can reduce and minimize its impact to the lowest possible level. How low we can make it ? It all depends how low we want it.
7. Reading my emails with my Soon since year 2008, i realized that i had not changed much, i am still paranoid, i am still lacking confidence, i am controlling, i am not grateful in life enough, i am still living someone's life, i don't love myself enough. Sadly, all these thinking and behavior is still with me. I can view it as a total failure, after such a long time, it seems that nothing had gone better. 
8. I am doing a justice for myself here. It is all here, it is all about me, and it is me. The good and bad things contributed to ME. Hence, i can only maximize my strength and minimize my weaknesses. I can observed the changes i had made, i am more aware and alert and the intensity and duration of negative thoughts and feelings are lessen now. YET, there is still a huge huge room for improvement. Again, another reminder for myself, keep it up and go on.
9. I have to believe and have faith in life.

When Coffee "BREAK" ; and Self is "AWAKEN"

1. There is this mind blowing incident happened and surely worthy to spend sometime to write it down here. Personally i like the title of this blog. 
2. The first part is on the Coffee "BREAK".
3. My friend came back from US for the exam; been such a close friend between us, his reaction came to my pleasant surprise. I had accidentally spilled his coffee and of course this is never my intention. He got so angry because i am still laughing away. I never thought he will be that serious and angry that he smear the coffee stain onto my sleeves, nagging me never bring enough tissue and telling me that he will sell his bag (worth 50USD which is also the victim of the coffee as it was placed under the table) to me at 100 USD ~~.
4. I am shocked, i didn't fight back and instead offer my apology. I wasn't that satisfy about his reaction and the treatment i received. One's wrong doesn't make another's wrong right. It is my mistake to spill his coffee but this doesn't justify whatever that he did to me right. We are such a close friend and i had helped him so much which i thought, perhaps he over reacted.
5. The main aim of writing this is to remind myself, on anger management. About not to be too addicted and possessed by certain thinking and material stuff that i will loose my cool, my logical thinking, let my emotion take control of me. 
6. Any action or words made when we are at our hot temper is very very damaging. Please remember that Kit Leong!!
7. The second part is on the Self "AWAKEN"
8. I am always a thinker, i think too much and act too little. I am too critical on myself at times and i don't let go so much. Of course all this create a lot suffering and pain for me.
9. Ironically all this self inflicted pain and suffering, the more i suffer, the more i drill into it.
10. By chance, i recalled the book my lecturer introduced to me, i watched some video about the author and read the ebook, exactly the solution i am looking for.
11. I am not too sure whether the solution is sustainable or not, but it is all sense to me.
12. Focusing on present, NOW; dis-identify from my mind, be a watcher on my grievances, my emotion; my ego is not my being and my true self is much superior than whatever i think i am.
13. Only when i learn to liberate myself from all this negativity; then only i can fulfill my potential.

Last Final Exam for this Chapter

1) Another 50 minutes before my investment paper exam.

2) Still remembered my first paper 2 years ago, so much of anxiety and nerves involved as prior to that first paper, 5 years had past since I last took my exam in my first degree.

3) Of course all these are felt now but at a lesser degree.

4) This chapter of master journey is already at the ending part, wondering what lies in the next chapter?

5) Again, a lot of anticipation and anxiety involved. 

Untitled

1) I just couldn't think of a proper title for this post. It is a hell of a week for me, emotionally tested and nearly drive me to the verge of becoming a psychopath.

2) a letter was given to Angel, telling her how I felt about her and how I wish we can move on from here. It took her few days before she read it, I was totally drilled and emotionally exhausted. I have sleepless night, depends on drugs to put me to sleep, nothing will cheer me up. The memory of the past from Chu Hui shadowed me. I was paranoid, loosing my cool and unrest the whole  week. 

3) Well the sad part is things are not as I hoped for, but the good thing is she is still my angel. I know many will call me stupid and crazy. I guess other than Tim and Soon, she will be the third one that I owe them big time.

4) of course I have to admit that this incident gave me a strong hit and luckily I can still pull my consciousness and logic thinking in place after some struggling. The negativity affected me for a few days, everything seems so gloomy and so hopeless at one point and it seems that everything is so wrong.

5) After 13laps of swimming, yes 13laps, the longest thus far; I came to this serenity and a clear thoughts. A sudden burst of confidence and positivity. I need to write this down for my own reference and serve as a support for future challenges.

6) My paranoid and controlling attitude is due to my lack of self confidence which is due to my lack of confidence on physical apprearanxe (for been a fat ass). 

7) My emotion swing from top to the deepest bottom because of my unrealistic wants. I seek for reciprocal love, asking for the same return as what I had contributed. I knew this is a dead end, long time ago. I need to remind myself again, treating people good must be from a fully sincere heart, not wanting a single favour in return. Whatever the outcome, if it is good, then i must appreciate it. At the first place, I am the one who voluntarily sign up for it, no one put a gun on my head, I myself wanted to be someone's helper, someone's guardian, someone's assistance without seeking permission from the party involved. So this is all coming from one sided willingness and hence this should be a one way thing. If I cannot do it, then stop it.

8) what is my action now? I need to give my shape up plan a serious thoughts and action. I guess this is one of the most critical way for building my self esteem. Just look at how I perform in my postgraduate. The kind of confidence and charm(at least I tot so,haha) demonstrated is out of the hard works and dedication. Same principle can be applied here.

9) I need to keep my mental health In check. Clearing the unlimited wants and recognize that all this is just temporary and will not transcend beyond our life. What is meaningful is always on whether we appreciate it? And cherish every moment out of it? What is the things , memory and legacy we are leaving behind.

10) Time waits for no man. I only have limited times and yet there is still many things that I wish to explore and experience. New job, new experience, new life... No time left to play around and blaming the hell out of others. It is in my hand now, to where this ship will steer. Fear not for God will always has the plan for us.

An Untold Secret

1) It is oxymoronic enough if by looking at the title of the post, one quickly jump into the passage and look for the 'untold' secret. It will be more brain dead if indeed there is a secret reveal here and yet classified this post as untold secret. After all secret not meant to be publicly known.

2) So enough of the teaser. The sole purpose is to set a mood and a platform for the following story.

3) It is too good to be true if this is really going to work out. Angel and me are progressing quite well, at least I felt so. Things seems like falling into places already and all that needed is a few more steps.

4) of course my good friend Mr. Paranoid will kicks in often than not, reminding me that I might not be that fortunate and lucky, I don entitle such good things in life, I don't make that cut, I am just not qualified. My timid friend Mr. Yes You Can will encourage me behind the scene with a soft tone. Why not give it a try? Why short changed myself? Why do I need to settle lower if I can go higher?

5) Confident is the key here.

6) No doubt, I had fallen into it now. Totally submerge and indulge myself. Whatever the outcome might be, I have to face it like a Man. Pray for the best. Stay positive. If really is not her, then maybe someone better later.

Last Minute Post

1) It is already the last day of the month of February of year 2015.

2) I have wanted to post something here but always procrastinated. There are moments and memory I wanted to record down.

3) The meet up with Tim was a memorable one. It's been quite sometime since I last talked to her and I am glad that our chemistry is still there. Our understanding is good and our topic is deep with many meaningful discussion. I wonder if anyone can discuss in such an intense and broad manner with me. I wish her all the best on her PhD journey.

4) I am in deep shit I can tell you that. I am dead nervous when I am meeting angel end of last month. It is all work in progress. I know I need to stay positive and pray for the best. 

5) My close friend Sia left for US yesterday. I know it sound gay but I guess I will be missing him. The time we spent together on assignments and preparing for test. Nevertheless I appreciate and glad for his accompany in my postgraduate journey this far.

6) This year might be a year of change for me. My personal life and my work life might have big changes. I hope for the best and I'm working hard for it now. Hope there will be morneluck shining on me this time around. I am ready to take that luck now.

7) It is not official but already confirm that I scored A for both my marketing management paper(highest in grp assg,ind assg, presentation and final exam), as well as statistic paper. Good morale and confident booster for me. Hard work really pay off. A big step forward to my distinction goal. Hehe... Thank you for all the helpful lecturers and friends.

New Semester - The first of sixth class

1) I am fairly excited to have the first class of Investment Securities and Portfolio Management tomorrow. The potential new knowledge and the learning experience inspires me.

2) It is always part of my hope to write a short passage on MBA classes and the journey I had been through. 

3) I remembered I went to popular to get a scientific calculator before the first class of business accounting and finance. Bought mechanical pencil, called my 'daughter' moon cake on the type of calculator, and also called aunts soo née for advice.

4) I remembered the excitement was like today, riding high, anticipating the future, the new things and meeting with new people.

5) Yet, today I still had the same excitement. This is a good sign, it showed that I had made a correct move then. I learned much and by knowing more, I realized there's even bigger and better things to learn.

6) When the sixth of the six class end, the final March to the destination will be on sight. Here we go again.

Perspectives, Inspirations and Knowledge

1) I must said I am easily influenced by my environment. My staple food is wantan noodles, something I will never get bored of. I learned to appreciate coffee now, and I started to enjoy it very much. Reading is one of my favorite past time, something I pick up since young but on and off I will do some readings.

2) I am not too sure how one categorized inner character and outside influence. Nevertheless, as one matures, we can decides what are the influence we receive and attend to. 

3) Great and good influence differs among individuals but ultimately such influence must be contributing to our purposeful life and should not affect if not contributing to our happiness and satisfaction.

4) By Enrolling to postgraduate study, I had allowed myself to be expose to many knowledge with respect to business and of course enhancing my criticality and knowledge. I learned to appreciate great knowledge and great personalities which produces great works. I embrace insightful and inspiring details and information which help to generate vast and useful yet often times thoughts provoking knowledge.

5) The exchange of ideas and dialogue between my HoP Dr.J and my close friend who is on a break from her PhD studies had been very beneficial to me. I had signed up for a career assessment test and the consultation session on the outcome of the test will be on tomorrow, of course I am very eager for it.

6) The pressing issue since the start of the year will be on searching of my next move, or a more appropriate term which I think that will explained what I wish for is the next leap. With this in mind, I will still need to accomplish my current postgrad challenge with a distinction insight and hopefully picking up some essential skills like communicatin, presentation and getting things done in a professional way.

7) Turning 30 this year, and I hoping this will be a great turning point for me. I am truly glad with the people whom I met in my life thus far, providing me opportunity and aids for me to grow. There is a great world out there and I need to keep my energy up to meet this new breath of life and the potential aw inspiring experience.

8) To a great year, to a greater future and may God bless me and my family.

Footnote: I am writing this blog at one of my favorite cafe (did't realize I started to like here already) at All Season's Place. With a nice caffe latte and of course my favorite bench with nice flowers.

Logical versus Emotional

1) Heavy reflection at the start of the year. The chosen topic is the logical thinking versus emotional feelings.

2) I believe emotional feelings make us human. The humility, compassion, and the ability to love constitute a large part of human. This is deemed important, for the continuity of human races to sustain and achieving a harmony society.

3) I believe logical thinking make us human. The advancement of technology, advancement of literature and arts, contributed to the identity of human. This is deemed important, for human survival and for a better life.

4) Of course the ideal situation where we can get the best of two world. A massively developed society in terms of technology and knowledge development, which comes in package with human society that uphold the values and virtue that we hold true for a greater common good.

5) This may sound oxymoronic, where in real life, often times we observed things don't go this way. Sadly we are all poisoned by the capitalism. We believe in money, exploiting others, instant gratification and our rights above all rights. We no longer value society harmony, and compassion for others. The physical and technology advancement are way too ahead that the spiritual, knowledge and value advancement internally in all people.

6) We need to strike a balance to enjoy the best of two.

7) down to individua level, the game is similar. We cannot be too emotional that we loose our cool to be logical. Nor we cannot afford to be too logical to the extend of materialistic and calculative loosing our humility and compassion.

8) Agai, balancing comes into play. Much like the yin and yang concept by the Taoism.

9) I am emotional, way emotional than it should be. Reminder after reminder been sent to me to get the better control on myself. I have to be focus on my things, my objective, my target, my purposeful life, my dream.

10) What I heard today and saw today before back to Penang is a perfect wake up call for me. Looking back? Drowning myself once more? Loosing my direction and let my emotion take control of me once more? This cannot be true. My memory is my faithful servant, replaying both the happy And psad moments I had. Sadly, there is no cloud 9 for me and I don't even deserve a chance to daydream.

11) Yes, roger that. It is only 4th day of new year

2015 New Year Day

1) New year resolution is the first thing comes to our mind on the first day of the year. We want to start the year with a bang, a sound plan, and with high motivation.
2) There 's a saying in Chinese where plans can never catch up with the changes. Nevertheless there is also another saying from Benjamin Franklin where if one fails to plan, then we are actually planning to fail.
3) So much about great planning and the next step is the execution where I opined as the critical success factor for our plan.
4) Action speaks louder than words. We should walk the talk and be man of our words.
5) I felt sorry for myself on the parts of slimming down, and grateful that I did fairly well on others.
6) This will be a year of change for me. I want to see it through and a good endings to it.
7) Welcome 2015~