Improvement ? Moving Forward ?

1. Why do we think that moving forward, ahead which we perceive as something good, positive? Why moving backward gave us all the negative feelings? How about staying put maintaining status quo? Should it be superior to the former?
2. Another brain teaser here. Of course, from my opinion, moving forward, looking ahead is not something we made or decide on voluntary basic. It is our nature, our culture or perhaps it is due to something much larger that we could imagine, like human history and civilization. Of course there's huge resistance to change from the common folks, as it takes quite an amount of effort both from decision of conscious mind and unconsciously for us to embrace the need to change and adapt, the need to learn and practice new things.
3. We always strive to improve ourselves but if we are not aware of our problem, how can we make effort to change it? We need to increase our level of awareness, increasing the percentage of our conscious mind versus our subconscious mind. What do i mean about subconscious mind, it is a state where many things go Auto-Pilot. Things like breathing, instant thoughts, our action and reaction when we are happy, angry, sad; many things we just did it because we just did it, without the careful thinking, analyzing, and free will of our own.
4. Hence, many people did something that they regret after the event of intense anger, frustration or a tragedy without realizing or having any control, or at least they believed so. Perhaps all the self-help book mostly touching on how to be happy, how to be better, or effective, how to be what or who in how many days might not be helpful if that particular individual failed to aware on their own problem. Awareness is the Key No.1 here.
5. Having strong awareness will bring a great deal of problem to oneself. We might hate ourselves for who we are, and how failure we perceived ourselves in our life to make ourselves a justice, to live a better life. We might be too obsessed and drag into the wormhole of endless suffering if we choose to ignore what we have come to aware.
6. And now, these books will be useful when we started to be more aware of ourselves, our inner self, our another self. We challenge ourselves in real life, take the appropriate steps to overcome the challenges we have identified earlier. The goal here is not total eradication of the unwanted behavior or thinking pattern, but in fact, the goal is to shorten the time frame or the intensity of the pain or suffering between the onset and offset of the particular behavior or feeling. That requires high level of alertness and awareness. Perhaps it is impossible to loose the negative feelings, but we can reduce and minimize its impact to the lowest possible level. How low we can make it ? It all depends how low we want it.
7. Reading my emails with my Soon since year 2008, i realized that i had not changed much, i am still paranoid, i am still lacking confidence, i am controlling, i am not grateful in life enough, i am still living someone's life, i don't love myself enough. Sadly, all these thinking and behavior is still with me. I can view it as a total failure, after such a long time, it seems that nothing had gone better. 
8. I am doing a justice for myself here. It is all here, it is all about me, and it is me. The good and bad things contributed to ME. Hence, i can only maximize my strength and minimize my weaknesses. I can observed the changes i had made, i am more aware and alert and the intensity and duration of negative thoughts and feelings are lessen now. YET, there is still a huge huge room for improvement. Again, another reminder for myself, keep it up and go on.
9. I have to believe and have faith in life.

When Coffee "BREAK" ; and Self is "AWAKEN"

1. There is this mind blowing incident happened and surely worthy to spend sometime to write it down here. Personally i like the title of this blog. 
2. The first part is on the Coffee "BREAK".
3. My friend came back from US for the exam; been such a close friend between us, his reaction came to my pleasant surprise. I had accidentally spilled his coffee and of course this is never my intention. He got so angry because i am still laughing away. I never thought he will be that serious and angry that he smear the coffee stain onto my sleeves, nagging me never bring enough tissue and telling me that he will sell his bag (worth 50USD which is also the victim of the coffee as it was placed under the table) to me at 100 USD ~~.
4. I am shocked, i didn't fight back and instead offer my apology. I wasn't that satisfy about his reaction and the treatment i received. One's wrong doesn't make another's wrong right. It is my mistake to spill his coffee but this doesn't justify whatever that he did to me right. We are such a close friend and i had helped him so much which i thought, perhaps he over reacted.
5. The main aim of writing this is to remind myself, on anger management. About not to be too addicted and possessed by certain thinking and material stuff that i will loose my cool, my logical thinking, let my emotion take control of me. 
6. Any action or words made when we are at our hot temper is very very damaging. Please remember that Kit Leong!!
7. The second part is on the Self "AWAKEN"
8. I am always a thinker, i think too much and act too little. I am too critical on myself at times and i don't let go so much. Of course all this create a lot suffering and pain for me.
9. Ironically all this self inflicted pain and suffering, the more i suffer, the more i drill into it.
10. By chance, i recalled the book my lecturer introduced to me, i watched some video about the author and read the ebook, exactly the solution i am looking for.
11. I am not too sure whether the solution is sustainable or not, but it is all sense to me.
12. Focusing on present, NOW; dis-identify from my mind, be a watcher on my grievances, my emotion; my ego is not my being and my true self is much superior than whatever i think i am.
13. Only when i learn to liberate myself from all this negativity; then only i can fulfill my potential.

Last Final Exam for this Chapter

1) Another 50 minutes before my investment paper exam.

2) Still remembered my first paper 2 years ago, so much of anxiety and nerves involved as prior to that first paper, 5 years had past since I last took my exam in my first degree.

3) Of course all these are felt now but at a lesser degree.

4) This chapter of master journey is already at the ending part, wondering what lies in the next chapter?

5) Again, a lot of anticipation and anxiety involved. 

Untitled

1) I just couldn't think of a proper title for this post. It is a hell of a week for me, emotionally tested and nearly drive me to the verge of becoming a psychopath.

2) a letter was given to Angel, telling her how I felt about her and how I wish we can move on from here. It took her few days before she read it, I was totally drilled and emotionally exhausted. I have sleepless night, depends on drugs to put me to sleep, nothing will cheer me up. The memory of the past from Chu Hui shadowed me. I was paranoid, loosing my cool and unrest the whole  week. 

3) Well the sad part is things are not as I hoped for, but the good thing is she is still my angel. I know many will call me stupid and crazy. I guess other than Tim and Soon, she will be the third one that I owe them big time.

4) of course I have to admit that this incident gave me a strong hit and luckily I can still pull my consciousness and logic thinking in place after some struggling. The negativity affected me for a few days, everything seems so gloomy and so hopeless at one point and it seems that everything is so wrong.

5) After 13laps of swimming, yes 13laps, the longest thus far; I came to this serenity and a clear thoughts. A sudden burst of confidence and positivity. I need to write this down for my own reference and serve as a support for future challenges.

6) My paranoid and controlling attitude is due to my lack of self confidence which is due to my lack of confidence on physical apprearanxe (for been a fat ass). 

7) My emotion swing from top to the deepest bottom because of my unrealistic wants. I seek for reciprocal love, asking for the same return as what I had contributed. I knew this is a dead end, long time ago. I need to remind myself again, treating people good must be from a fully sincere heart, not wanting a single favour in return. Whatever the outcome, if it is good, then i must appreciate it. At the first place, I am the one who voluntarily sign up for it, no one put a gun on my head, I myself wanted to be someone's helper, someone's guardian, someone's assistance without seeking permission from the party involved. So this is all coming from one sided willingness and hence this should be a one way thing. If I cannot do it, then stop it.

8) what is my action now? I need to give my shape up plan a serious thoughts and action. I guess this is one of the most critical way for building my self esteem. Just look at how I perform in my postgraduate. The kind of confidence and charm(at least I tot so,haha) demonstrated is out of the hard works and dedication. Same principle can be applied here.

9) I need to keep my mental health In check. Clearing the unlimited wants and recognize that all this is just temporary and will not transcend beyond our life. What is meaningful is always on whether we appreciate it? And cherish every moment out of it? What is the things , memory and legacy we are leaving behind.

10) Time waits for no man. I only have limited times and yet there is still many things that I wish to explore and experience. New job, new experience, new life... No time left to play around and blaming the hell out of others. It is in my hand now, to where this ship will steer. Fear not for God will always has the plan for us.