A Year of Change and Turbulence

1) Too many events had taken place in this year and I wish to record it.
2) Good or Bad, as usual it doesn't really matter that much as it was already part of me.
3) It seems that i couldn't drew a conclusion for year 2017 until the very last day.
4) At first, i thought the theme of this year should be me changing my job (finally). I was wrong, as my previous company caught fire just two month before my farewell. Things are very messy. I had a very good chance to witness a great team spirit once more from my previous colleagues. We thrived over all the challenges and grew stronger from it.
5) My eventual farewell is inevitable. I fall sick over the whole period of my last month of working there. The internal stress had gotten better of me, and only then i realized that this job was essentially a big part of my life. I was so emotional that i cried when i returned my old faithful Toshiba laptop (going through my working and study life) to company, the company car, my work desk, cleaning up my things. It meant separation, it meant an ending. All i could only offer is tears.
6) Starting a new job was stressful. There are expectation from within myself, from the new place and i miss my ex-colleagues. We always think that with new challenges, and new environment it will promote us to the next level, prompting us to re-learn, re-experience, re-start our life somehow.

7) My best guess that, this will be a good chapter in my life for year 2017; until i lost the love of my life. My dearest grandmother had joined my grandfather on 30th Oct. We knew she had some medical condition (aortic aneurysm); something like a t-bomb inside her. The bomb had set off, taking my beloved grandmother together.

8) How one can recover from loosing the love of their life ? Time cures and i do hope the wound will recover over time. Despite spending the last 7 years with her, it was just never enough. Her care and love to me was irreplaceable and incomparable. I miss her badly now.

9) I can only remind myself, to stay strong, to have faith in life, to love, to contribute, to live.

10) How vulnerable life is, and how impermanence it can be? We only have one option, cherish EVERY MOMENT, live it and contribute to others.

Lost Love - My Beloved Grandma Passing

1. It strikes randomly and without prior notice. There is no slight indication that telling the end is near. My grandma had passed away last Monday, 30th October 2017 at 3am on the way to the hospital, in the ambulance. At the age of 87, she is still very vital, independence and with a very sharp mind and good memory. It is great regret that the Aortic Aneurysm which was diagnosed a year ago took her life. The treatment is too difficult and harsh to her and recovering process will be too tasking on her looking at her age. 
2. The love of my life, that someone who loves me had moved on for good. The news shook the whole family and my dad, uncles and aunties all rush to Penang to help in transferring my grandma back to our Home Town, Ayer Tawar.
3. My grandma is the most humble person that i ever met. She always speak of good words, pray for good things on all her family members and care for others. She took care of her two sisters at a very young age and going through a great deal of hardship to grow her six children together with my grandpa. It is a common story to be told from people of their age and time. Its all about living frugally, savings for the children and grandchildren, sacrificing oneself for the goods of the love one.
4. I am truly grateful for all her care and love especially the last Seven years since i moved to work in Penang. I could see her almost everyday and i cherish every moment that i had spent with her. Her smile, laughter or even the occasional grumpiness of her, i love it all.
5. She always reminds me to not waste (food or money), to not take advantage on things, to be just and kind to others, to be filial, to repay kindness from others. She lead by example and there is no way that we refuse to learn from her. 
6. We all knew that this day will come, and it is inevitable fate for every living things on earth. Ignorantly, i always pray that she will has a special exception, that she can survive till her hundreds. As the fate strikes, our hearts sunk deeply together with all the sorrow. The happy memory with her only added to the sorrow. Perhaps the 5 days long funeral service as well as all the Taoist Chanting and praying at the night meant for one thing; to help us to mourn her passing and helping us to accept and move on with it. 
7. After returning to Penang, some memory of her at the place or incidents that we had came across together previously only added to the melancholy air that had surrounded me. Over the past few days, i kept thinking about the meaning of life. What is the very thing that brought meaning to my life? What is the most value and precious things in life that i will never trade over for other things or even it meant to sacrifice my very own life. 
8. The passing of my grandma just reminds me again about how fragile is our life. Too often in times in our life that we argue, fight, feeling angry, disappointed over events of life, jealousy, greediness, not satisfy with whatever we had and not counting our blessings. As all of us is living a life of no return, a life that no one can really be sure if we can still see the next sunrise; Is there anything else that we still felt unsatisfying? The fact is, the very nature of our life doesn't allow us to regret, it is our brain that condition us to "THINK" that we are going to be here forever, the ego in our mind kept telling us, more is good, winning is good, to live is to Gain and Win. Enough is never enough to fulfilled our lust and unlimited wants.
9. My grandma uses her life to teach us a lesson one last time. To live is To Cherish, To love is To Sacrifice~

Chapter N : A New Day Has Come

1. On 21st July 2017, it was my last day at H&P. There are indeed so much of stress and anxiety involved prior to D-Day. Body and Heart-aching here and there, stomach was filled with butterflies, burping there and then like an ongoing symphony, stress and hormone really makes wonder in my body.
2. Until that very moment, i still couldn't believe that i am leaving for good, and there are so much of uncertainty that i have to face. It takes a huge amount of courage to actually step out of the much used to environment, the comfort zone despite the current condition was rather counter-productive with limited light at the end of the tunnel.
3. I filled my schedule up nicely, just like how i did all this while in my life. There was a 2D1N Langkawi Trip with my MBA classmates on the next day; and after that i traveled  back KL to go on a holiday with my parents to Yogyakarta for 5D4N. Arrangement was made unintentionally, just filling up my schedule to avoid myself from overthinking, overacting, over doing everything.
4. I just don't do to well all this while when it comes to the point to conclude and tie up some relationship in life, be it friendship or love one and in this particular case it is the co-worker - ship. It's not the end, and i knew that clearly. My childhood (Kindergarten in Sitiawan, Two different primary school and Three different secondary school) had made some long lasting impact on me.
5. Adaptation to new working life is something that will happen naturally as we all have a very strong ability to adapt to survive. A new start not only promises new hope, new challenge, new environment which essentially opens up many possibility. It only sounds right if one can approach it in a new way, new and better attitude, new dimension. New in this case can be understand as fresh, refreshing, something out of the blue. It gave me a chance to be a new me, to adapt better character and incorporate into my habit, to be foolish again and re-learn the old tricks in a brand new dimension. Quoting late Steve " The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life!"  Haha, of course i do not have any good indicative bearing of successful events in my life but i can feel the lightness of being a beginner clearly~
6.  I am also fairly honored and happy that my Dean, Mr. Goh had invited me to provide a sharing session during a MBA preview. I named my sharing Six Class to Mastery as a remembrance to the challenging 6 x 7hours classes we had during my MBA time. I believe this sharing session did more for me that the potential students or to the colleges because it allows me to reflect and reconnect what i had learned, achieved and accomplished thus far. A small baby step of achievement if i am ever allowed to claim it. 
   
7. Last week, it was my 7th Anniversary in Penang, and now i just started my new job in the island. I guess i will be here for a couple of years more now. No doubt this is a very happening island with a mixture of all things like Seaside, Historical Sights, Urban Shopping Center, neighborhood hawkers center, hipster cafe and moderate traffic. Just can't help falling in love with this place.
8. Over the last 7 years, i guess there are some achievement made in my works, studies and personal life. And, going forward the next 3-5 years, i wish there are more accomplishment for me. Living the life with no regrets~

Finally The Final's Final

1) There is something which I deemed pretty important that I think it ought to be recorded here.

2) A series of events actually happened but I had decided to kept it secret from myself by not exposing everything here despite that most of my friends, especially my family already knew and updated accordingly. 

3) Firstly, I am super glad to announce that I had successfully tendered my resignation today. I am thankful for what I had gained all over the years, the ups and downs, the fortunate and the unfortunate events. 

4) Despite the pseudo dream of working in KL, the almost comes true job offer that I had turned down gracefully due to the inconsistency of that particular company's management decision. I must say I am glad that there is an even better opportunity came knocking via anonymous head hunter who is like my small angel and his manager is shockingly my secondary school classmate. The whole process of initiation till the final offer letter sign and return took around one month's time. 

5) No joking, when it happens, it just happen like an unstoppable flows of water stream. 

6) They are some significant events that I had wished to announce here but my posts this year shy of just a few and these in facts correlate with my mental well being, the number of books I read and my waist line. 

7) Most news for the first half are egos one such as I had tender my resignation and got a Pretty cool Job offer, I had initiated one USM lecturer to explore the possibility of further study; and the many years entanglement which I had and had to let go eventually as she had already move on; a fire incident at my factory that had awaken most of us about some essential values in life ( more review on this and my 7 years at H&P will be accounted for in this blog soon before my final day), my brother got engaged with his gf, my parents are coming back KL for good, my elder sis got her third baby and our economy seems improving for now. 

8) Almost the first half of this year are filled with mostly joy and happiness. I wish that things will only get better as we proceed to second half.

9) It is always exciting to conclude the small chapter in our life and embark into next chapter will much hope and good spirit. Yes, it is another step nearer to the final chapter, and yes it might be the same old plot, same old twist and turn here and there at the climax and ending or it is a bored episode once again. Well, I guess that is the thing that we name it Life. It shines not because of its context but also the endless opportunity and liveliness it promise. 

10) A restart it seems, for better or for worst it is everybody's guess. For me, I hope it will be a fun ride with beautiful scenery. No good nor bad as it is all subjective and relative in nature. It's always just here and now. 

The On-Behalf Reflection

1. Starting from this moment ... ... ... ... until ok, say this moment ... ... ... ... Reading through this sentence might take us average around 1.0-1.5s. Every moment is passing by without us realizing it with awareness or not.
2. Many changes can take place just like that, and often times even the most significant change only requires some mind shifting, some events of luck, some change in our perceived life situation.
3. This is an On Behalf Reflection which served as a record for future reference.
4. Robert Frost wrote about the road not taken but not many had actually walked the least traveled road. 
5. There is this social norm on human life cycle where as we grow, we ought to study, work, get married, have children and to get old and finally leaving our legacy behind. But there are many different ways to get from point A to B. To embark on the least travel path, it requires a great deal of courage, determination and resiliency as the challenges and endeavors are too great and yet there is no guarantee of success as most had failed with mediocrity.
6. There is this epic journey of one vibrant, youthful girl that i wish to share here.
7. When we review someone on their success, we often credit them for their talent, their dedication and hard work or perhaps their background, the opportunity given or maybe it is all fated!! Undeniably all these indeed played a vital role and everything has to be in place, in a seamlessly sequence to have the exact same great result.
8. Coming from a modest family, looking back on her journey of education (all funded from scholarships and savings from frugal lifestyle) from Malaysia and Singapore top university, and then pursuing her doctorate degree in one the of most famous university in Sydney, Australia; it is already a great inspiration story to be spoken and shared. 
9. Things only got more interesting and better with her recent news of getting a permanent offer from her home university. Not to mention about the difficulties of this feat; she has to have all the qualities, and to have the luck to strike the perfect timing when the university needed her service the most.
10. The core of the reflection in my opinion is at our mind. One of the most powerful tool that everyone possess. Its about searching for the very meaning in our life, trusting it and never give up, period. 
11. Perhaps all the difficulties suffered, the sleepless night, the anxiety of failing, the helplessness, the loneliness in facing all of these meant something, for the better of one self. The alluring of earning a doctorate degree, becoming the crème de la crème in the field of academia, to publish in the top notch journal where many seasoned researchers had shy away, finishing the doctorate degree way ahead of the stipulated time frame are all indeed an astonishing achievement but yet meant very little now. 
12. At this particular time, at this finest moment, all the hardship and the achievement no longer bear that much of importance anymore. There is this space in between where a mild sensation is felt; made up of many different feelings that yet to have a finite word to describe it in proper term. Little part of everything which includes happiness, excitement, contentment, satisfaction and also a little bit of tension and slight anxiety. The confidence is soaring not because of the past achievement but rather the believe in oneself to achieve what we aim for in life. Perhaps everything is possible to a certain extent if we put our heart and soul in it.
13. I guess by reading all of this, no one can really understand even 10% of the true feelings behind this journey. It takes one to know one and we have to really give our 100% in our life, in the very things that bring meaning into our life, be it our career, our family or our passion, embracing it with our full heart. Perhaps then, by going through the worst and thus we might have a glimpse of the fruit of contentment, and happiness.
14. From now on, things will only be better. Lets begin this wonderful voyage we call life!

Close to my Heart

1. This is an emotional post. For the weak-hearted, please skip this.
2. Many perceive that i am an easy going and friendly person; sometime i am wondering if i have adapted this perceive friendly image or i am born with it. Of course, as things change, people tends to change too.
3. It is at best for every parties if many things in life are not taken too seriously. We can laugh our way through some challenges, negative remark or even tragedy that we face or encounter. It required great wisdom and one need to be really wise to be able to achieve that.
4. For me, it is rather straight forward. It is very difficult to explain in words, not just about liking or loving someone; it seems that if that someone is so close and central in my heart, and hence, many things she does meant a lot to me. How she react, how she felt, what she wanted and what else could be better for her? 
5. Maybe you will tell me this is not healthy. We should not live for others, we should not build our life around someone else. It is difficult to strike a balance here, because deep down in my heart, she is important. And, life always has its way in getting into us. Until that one fine day, until that very moment, when she no longer need our caring; or maybe she had found that special someone who can share better with her, speak in tune with her, cook with her and in most of the aspect better than me; the whole world seems collapsed in an instance. Things became meaningless, joy is all lost and sense of giving up life as a whole (at a more exaggerate side).
6. What had happened ? and i start asking myself. Love doesn't and shouldn't change according to situation. Love transient space and time. That is true love. A conditional love is only an ego, a lust. Yes, we can jump up and say, we are not Saint, we are just a normal folk who love today and hate tomorrow and maybe love again the next day. Just go figure, Love should be like a sun beam, every shining in all angle. We love him or her as a whole, their good and bad, their everything. That suppose to be the true love.
7. If she is happier, if she can afford a better life and if she chose so; then we should celebrate with her but not agonize; after all, she who we love with all over heart deserve the best. 
8. And what about us ? what about me ? what is left for me ? No worries, nothing is lost but in fact, there is so much to gain. We learn how to appreciate a good relationship, we learn to appreciate good things from others, we learn to love ourselves, we learn about our negative (bad temper, controlling, childish) side and so that we can be a better version of us ( beta version perhaps).
9. Life is too short to feel too sad or too excited about, just try to leave no room for regret.

Long Overdue Catch Up

1. It's already been nearly 5 months since my last post.
2. Many things indeed happened over the whole period. Life was as occupied as ever with my daily chores, endeavor in searching the meaning of life, getting by and living through life.
3. Actually there is some element of avoidance; by writing a blog post, it is essentially a dialogue with myself. Nothing but truth is revealed. It is like getting naked under the spotlight, yet of course i can still choose not to stand in the focus zone, and i also have an option to decide which part of me to be shine under the light.
4. Many things revolving in my mind all this while. To further pursue my studies (where, when, how ?), to look for a new career challenges else where (where, when and how?), and finding that someone who appreciate and care for me as much as i care for her (where is she now?). As i like to advice my friends to take things one by one, to have faith in life where a higher power has a plan for us, to accept the is-ness of life and things; but yet, at times it took control most part of my life, like a black hole, diminishing my mental thoughts and energy, as i cannot think though it.
5. For most part of the past few months, life was in an auto-cruise mode; day-to-day mundane chores and challenges. I cannot conclude that this is not the life i have wanted, after all everyone has to  do the laundry even if you are an enlighten being. You still have to throw the rubbish bin and realized that the plastic bags had holes and the smelly water drips from within, you still face parking summons if you fail to pay parking ticket and etc.
6. Life always has its way to drag us back to face the drift of life.
7.  Undeniably, there is also some glimpse of hope shine in my life over the last few months period. At a time, i was picturing myself, furthering my studies overseas with my loved one at my side and assume that lecturing and teaching will be my life-time career; at another time, i was picturing i am back with my family in KL, hanging out with my bros playing monopoly card games, and trying hard to lead a life everyone deemed normal; and another time, i am dreaming about there is not much changes, very much the status quo, simple life as i found a simple girl, working in a simple company, pursuing my part time doctorate making small and simple progress in every small aspects of my life.
8. I guess the reader of my blog will think that i am lucky to still be sane after all this. Well, that is me, i am a thinker and a more sarcastic way of saying will be, i really does enjoy mental masturbation. (The process of thinking and thinking and thinking again, the reason, because it creates a sense of thrill for the dreamer) Haha, this is in fact the key way for me to remind myself from not mental masturbating. Hahaha, how ironic.
9. As from the saying, action speaks louder than words, and in my case, everything is meaningless if there is no action. It is really unfortunate that i failed to secure a job in KL (the odds are pretty high that i might be going back), but surprisingly the firm rejected my offer in a very last minute manner. Life still goes on and everything is still fine, i kept telling myself.
10. I was indeed sad at the very beginning when i heard the news about them withdrawing the offer. I realized that, it is not about the job, or relocation, it is the changes that i wish and i wanted. And i realized how much i wish for a change.
11. Life still goes on and this too shall pass. The greatest change is from with"in" not with"out". I told myself to be patience and perhaps it will take some little more time.