2) a letter was given to Angel, telling her how I felt about her and how I wish we can move on from here. It took her few days before she read it, I was totally drilled and emotionally exhausted. I have sleepless night, depends on drugs to put me to sleep, nothing will cheer me up. The memory of the past from Chu Hui shadowed me. I was paranoid, loosing my cool and unrest the whole week.
3) Well the sad part is things are not as I hoped for, but the good thing is she is still my angel. I know many will call me stupid and crazy. I guess other than Tim and Soon, she will be the third one that I owe them big time.
4) of course I have to admit that this incident gave me a strong hit and luckily I can still pull my consciousness and logic thinking in place after some struggling. The negativity affected me for a few days, everything seems so gloomy and so hopeless at one point and it seems that everything is so wrong.
5) After 13laps of swimming, yes 13laps, the longest thus far; I came to this serenity and a clear thoughts. A sudden burst of confidence and positivity. I need to write this down for my own reference and serve as a support for future challenges.
6) My paranoid and controlling attitude is due to my lack of self confidence which is due to my lack of confidence on physical apprearanxe (for been a fat ass).
7) My emotion swing from top to the deepest bottom because of my unrealistic wants. I seek for reciprocal love, asking for the same return as what I had contributed. I knew this is a dead end, long time ago. I need to remind myself again, treating people good must be from a fully sincere heart, not wanting a single favour in return. Whatever the outcome, if it is good, then i must appreciate it. At the first place, I am the one who voluntarily sign up for it, no one put a gun on my head, I myself wanted to be someone's helper, someone's guardian, someone's assistance without seeking permission from the party involved. So this is all coming from one sided willingness and hence this should be a one way thing. If I cannot do it, then stop it.
8) what is my action now? I need to give my shape up plan a serious thoughts and action. I guess this is one of the most critical way for building my self esteem. Just look at how I perform in my postgraduate. The kind of confidence and charm(at least I tot so,haha) demonstrated is out of the hard works and dedication. Same principle can be applied here.
9) I need to keep my mental health In check. Clearing the unlimited wants and recognize that all this is just temporary and will not transcend beyond our life. What is meaningful is always on whether we appreciate it? And cherish every moment out of it? What is the things , memory and legacy we are leaving behind.
10) Time waits for no man. I only have limited times and yet there is still many things that I wish to explore and experience. New job, new experience, new life... No time left to play around and blaming the hell out of others. It is in my hand now, to where this ship will steer. Fear not for God will always has the plan for us.
No comments:
Post a Comment