A Pseudo-World

1. I have long forgotten the day; how happy i used to be, how worry-free i am.
2. What do you want? What do you want? What do you want? I kept asking myself.
3. What is my ultimate goals in life? I remember all i want is just to be happy.
4. The state of happiness is never that easily achieved.
5. My desire on career, relationship and my life. A lot of the desire is non-real.
6. It's non-real because, the nature of the desire is set upon uncertainty.
7. The desire is relative to the pseudo world i am living, it changes accordingly. If i kept on following the path of where the desire flow, i will never achieve the state of happiness.
8. That i must understand.
9. Worries is like a never ending nightmare in my sleep. I can kept worrying 24/7, and i will only stop not because of there's no more worries, it's because i got too tired.
10. To an extend where if i look myself from 3rd person view, i felt that, i-myself actually enjoy worrying something.
11. If worrying something which actually do not contribute to the current state but also maybe causing harm to the future, why do i still worry?
12. Worrying is tiring, and why do i like to carry the extra weights on myself?
13. Without been worry, without the non-realistic desire, i think i can be happier.
14. Analyzing in a logical way, i want to be happy but my action do not produce it.
    
15. Desire + worry = not happy
16. But i just doesn't seems to understand this simple equation. I do not work towards it.

Desire and ignorance lie at the root of suffering.

By desire, Buddhists refer to craving pleasure, material goods, and immortality, all of which are wants that can never be satisfied. As a result, desiring them can only bring suffering.

Ignorance, in comparison, relates to not seeing the world as it actually is. Without the capacity for mental concentration and insight, Buddhism explains, one's mind is left undeveloped, unable to grasp the true nature of things. Vices, such as greed, envy, hatred and anger, derive from this ignorance.

各分东西，各奔前程

又来到这个季节，一个那么熟悉的时间。
曾经一度迷茫，不知前程未来，
曾经沮丧万分，彼此依依不舍。

该留的会留下，会离开的，怎么留也留不住。
从前的回忆，开心的，伤心的，一一的把它记下；
那是咱们的成长纪录，无价的宝藏。

我宁愿自己是那个薄情的,那么心里就没这么多的包袱;
我情愿自己是那个寡义的,那么脑里就没这么多的挂念;

我们应该更勇敢的向未来迈进, 把悲愤化为动力。
我们应该做好心理准备, 迎接更美满更璀灿的未来。

因为原地踏步对大家都没有好处。
因为朋友们都在祝福着我们,
要我们振作,要我们更勇敢,更坚强。

朋友虽然不在身边,但友谊的精神却永存不朽!

Every Dog has it;s day

1. Day 10 in Sarawak. This is the first time in my life that i really misses home. At least my mom was happy that i did. Throughout my life in Uni and working for nearly 2 years, i have never really misses home when i travel outstation. It's really warm just to hear my mom and dad's voice over the phone. Now i know and i hate to admit, i miss my parents. Oh no, i am a Mummy boy.
   
2. How should i describe the challenge and difficulties that i face daily in Bakun? Maybe i am weak, a city boy stuck in a rural and underdeveloped place, a place with no tv or radio reception, a place with no internet, 7-elelven, ATM machine or even a proper shop nor restaurant.
3. The job in Bakun is not that difficult, it's only the environment. Of all places, i am really facing some really bad charm recently in Bakun. First of all, i crash our rented 4WD into our resort from the parking bay. Somehow i can't manage to break the car in time and the car just crashes into the resort.
4. The water tank for the radiator tank cracked, the two front lights was cracked too, also the front panel and also the bumper. Luckily the resort (made of wooden material) do not go down into the floor. The problem is, in this JUNGLE, there's no mechanic who repairs car. Luckily there's a workshop can help us to take off the tank and send to Bintulu for repair on behalf of us.
   
5. I was really worried and felt really guilty for all this. My senior, Victor and another Manager from CTE, Leonard needs to be in Bintulu Airport the next day. So much of things to be sort out as we were awaiting material inspection from the Sarawak Hidro, Malaysia China Hydroelectric, and Sime Engineering. Looking for alternatives to send them to airport and also arranging the trasportation of the workers back from site to resort if i was to send them to airport.
6. To add to the matter, i left my keys in the room which i need the worker to help me BREAK into our room to retrieve the key. I just gave everyone more reason to make fun of me.
   
7. I was extremely careful when i send Victor and Leonard to airport. I am worry the bad luck is still around and this time it might took something from me. Thank god nothing had happened other that small issues like i lost the antenna of the walkie talkie and i had messed up the afternoon tea of the workers. The drinks spilled over in the car which caused a very faulty smell now in the car.
8. I really don't know how can the tragedy happened one after another. I was trying to be more careful to stop this bad luck thingy. As saturday is Labour day and sunday is an official off day, i am in Bintulu Town now.
   
9. Quite relaxing now as i can use the internet and have a good MENTAL n PHYSICAL rest. Trying to sort things out, what had happened to me as there're many things in my mind now. Really appreciate the support and care i received from my dearest soon. It's my soon who asked me to look at things at the brighter side, she always manage to bring me to look at things at different angle. That really had helped me alot.
10. I met up with my ex-colleague, Ivy in Bintulu town. We chat about our GOOD OLD days in TBRSB. That had reminded me of my life back then. It was really torturing and suffering, and i can still feel it even until now.
    
11. I wanted a change hence i move into this company. Many things had changed in fact, just half a year but i felt i had progressed a lot compared with what i had achieved in 1 year 4 months in TBRSB. At this crossroad this time, i got an offer from my uncle to work for him in Penang, and this time he had caught my attention and this had caught me thinking a lot.
12. I wanted to move to a new environment to work. My plan is to work a couple of years in my current company, to gain the experience, the hands on experience then only move on. But my uncle had provided me an alternative to move on earlier, but i have to let go of my field.
13. I am still considering before i make any decision. My heart is wishing for a change but my logic had stop me from making such a broad move. I am a very conservative person... very calculative and conservative....
14. I gave myself 1 year here before any decision, let see anything will come out in between to influence my final decision.
15. Note=> want to get an i-phone the other day, went to PC fair with iAi n her friend, Kchin, SooShean and leely. Failed to get one. On tuesday went for movie with my soon n was trying to get i-Phone in the garden but attempt failed too. But the movie "How to train your Dragon" worth it. I have decided i only wants i-Phone ....lol .... after i come back from Sarawak, i will get ONE....

A new Challenge

1. Due to the lack of internet service in Bakun Hydroelectric Dam, Sarawak, I have to save my blog in Ms Document before I really can post up in my blog.

2. It’s only third day here but I really wanted to go home. This is my 3^rd project involved in Envirogard Sdn Bhd. A really tough place as those experience workers also felt it’s tough life out there. They like to make fun of me as they felt I will surely suffer and complaint out there. Of course they had underestimated me.

3. Bakun town is not really a town, it’s developed due to the Bakun Hydroelectric Project. Everything here is setup in a way like it’s only temporary, the wooden structure café, the cabins for the workers, the gravels road and also the people here. Everyone is here for work, in rough condition, rough weather in a rough way.

4. The work site is very dangerous as previously there were already few people lost their life. We work underground around 10 floors below. Things might fall down into our place, not to mention there’s only staircase but no elevator. There’s some smell of urine in the work site as the workers will just settle their ‘business’ there, but even if they go up to the surface, there’s no toilet at all.

5. Tomorrow is Sunday there’s no power supply to the site, hence we decides to go to the Bintulu Town to refill our food supply and buy the necessary things. It really feels like a holiday although we still stuck in Sarawak. Like a break from a prison. It will take about 3 hours just to travel 170km to Bintulu Town from Bakun.

6. Just hope this will end earlier.

i-banana 24-4-2010