To be In Control

1. As much as i believe that i have control in my life; what do we do everyday, how we going to do it, when we want to do it, whether doing it alone or with friends or family and just why we want to do it; we are supposed to be and should be able to have control.
2. The control in the outer or more visible layer can be separated in several levels. One such example is on waking up for work. It is inevitable that we ought to put in our time and labour in exchange for money to sustain our living. At that level, there might be very little control but we still can choose to be self-employed as a consultant, direct sales or insurance agent, as an employees, owing a business and there is a vast room for selection and thus to be in controlling position. They key is to find what we like to do, something that we are passion and felt the usefulness within it. 
3. Even at lower level than choosing a job/career, we still can decide whether we want to be early or late for work, we can decide which route to take to work albeit the limited choices that we have, yet with every selection or option, there is a power to be in control.
4. The concepts explained above is very much applicable to the inner aspect of our life, our emotion, our thinking process and feelings. On feeling happy and sad; we have to believe that regardless happiness and sadness; it has to come from within but not from outer factors. If the latter is true, then we will be always at the mercy of others for feeling happy or sad.To be in control, we have to realize that whatever happiness and sadness that we felt; we have the control. We can decide our reaction to the impending issues, to appreciate the little small happiness we have and manifest it; to decide how good we want ourselves to be; no matter what, this is something that we ought to hold true for.
5. After explaining about happiness and sadness; how about the feeling of anger and discourage or lost of hope? The root of anger and discourage very much dealt with our sense of self. If we loose our perceived sense of self, then there will be nothing to be angry or discourage about. We felt angry when people treat "us" injustice, defame "us", threatening "us"; to disapprove such feeling is to separate our false sense of "self" from ourselves; we are much greater and higher than our perceived "self". The same is applicable to the feeling our discourage or lost of hope.
6. Of course the challenge here is on taking control on our own inner world. We have to have a high awareness level, enough on our both outer and inner aspect for us to take control on our life. On the other hand, in order to ensure that we will no go to the extreme of becoming over controlling and insensitive, we also depended on our awareness to balance up our need to be in control.

The Boundary Between Me and Myself

1. It was difficult, first to create and then maintain the high level of awareness. When i associate myself with my experience, crazy eye will starts to kick-in, and followed by all the beliefs and skepticism.
2. Been aware of it but not able to kill it immediately; that is true suffering.
3. By holding tight, i will stand to loose more. By letting go, only then i can have room for more.
4. The melancholy is real but temporary. It meant to be like that, it has to be like that and it will be like that. No mind of yesterday and no map for future. What we have is only for today.

The 5th Year

1. Such important date on 30th August and i didn't post a blog about it.
2. Not about Leely's Bday, not on Bersih, no on Merdeka Eve; my anniversary in Penang.
3. Many had changed and many had yet changed. There is already this layer of awareness around me on the changes and the non-changes. Awareness is the key and Action will be the on-going process.
4. When i first came at the age of 25, and now that i am already 30 years old. I am happy that i had been acting and behaving in a more mature ways, i had developed my critical thinking skill and also my knowledge. I miss my youthful-ness, the spirit of do-it think later. I miss the slimmer version of me, I miss my happy go lucky character.
5. Yet, there are still many things to be done. 
6. I realized over the years, i am still working on the part of me where i am lacking of self-confident, been paranoid easily, easily short-changed myself, the excessive controlling behaviour, and been rather emotional. It seems like i cannot eradicate such behaviour. I can only somehow control and contain it. Sometime i am resisting such negative behaviour, but sometime i had let it took control over me.
7. At times, it felt really tired and exhausted to contain the negative part of me. I had learned that by staying present and accepting who we are will help me. It deemed useful and i am practicing it as the challenges surface here and there.
8. The power of our thoughts had strike me hard and i am very impressed with it. We can decide how we want to feel and think about certain issue that strikes us. Sometimes we are stuck in the wrong side of the beautiful scene that we wish to paint in our life and at times we felt the liveliness, the rush of vitality in our life.
9. If i can be the master of my mind; If i can decide and choose the feeling and reaction of my every action; It all start from now, from daily practice; big or small.
10. This particular chapter in my life; i wish to remark it as awakening.
11. Now i understand the analogy given to me previously better; about the iceberg with 10% surface above the water and 90% submerged in the water; about loving oneself; about creating a layer of self-awareness; about thinking System 1 and 2; about been positive; about the four noble truths of Buddhism; It is all related; been mindful.
12. It was funny enough; like a circle we go.
13. Searching for our identity; Found our identity with both love and hate aspect; and learning hard to let go our identity. That is an endless circle.